


Lost Without You

by Dodge1989



Category: Melendaire - Fandom, The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Beautifully Sad, Dealing With Trauma, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Grieving, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Melendaire, Mental Health Issues, Please Don't Hate Me, Pregnancy, Season 4 ideas, Soulmates, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23668441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodge1989/pseuds/Dodge1989
Summary: Claire and Neil had only a week together in which they spent every possible time in each other's arms, couldn't get enough of each other when they no longer needed to hold back themselves. Now, almost two months after his death, Claire stood in her bathroom and looked at the pregnancy test tightly clenched in her hand.
Relationships: Claire Browne & Audrey Lim, Claire Browne & Morgan Reznick, Claire Browne & Neil Melendez, Claire Browne & Shaun Murphy, Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Comments: 18
Kudos: 50





	Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** This story has raised topics that may be too sensitive for some readers. I write this story partly based on my own life experience. I myself know what it means to eat, because you need it, but not because you want it. Sleep so that you have the strength to get up in the morning. Work to stop thinking about the past. You need to learn to accept loss and learn to live with it. You can’t move away and hide from your feelings. The moment will come and the door that you so carefully propped up in your mind will open, bad feelings will break loose and you will not be able to cope with them alone. You need to find a new meaning in life and continue to move on, even if the people that meant the world to you are no longer around. If you have lost a loved one and feel that you can’t cope. Do not waste your precious time and get advice from a psychologist, call the psychological support hotline or simply talk to a person you trust. Take care of yourself!
> 
> Hi, guys! Here is my new story, sorry for the delay, you all know how difficult it's for medical staff right now 😷 And that's about how I began to figure out a plan for this story:
> 
> \- Claire and Lim drink at the bar  
> \- Bed scene flashback or two.. No, I need more Melendaire!  
> \- Pregnancy test  
> \- Panic attack  
> \- Eating problems  
> \- Isomnia and self-hatred  
> \- Unstable mental state  
> ..David Shore, what the hell are you doing?! Are you a woman hater?! 😤
> 
> Now you know what to be prepared for. English is still not my first language, so sorry. I'll try to edit the text and correct errors in breaks from my work. And here we go... 😢
> 
> OST Lost without you by Freya Ridings

**Hits me at full speed  
Feel like I can't breathe  
And nobody knows  
This pain inside me**

Claire knew from the start that her relationship with Melendez wouldnt be easy. But reality turned out to be much more harder. Claire and Neil had only a week together in which they spent every possible time in each other's arms, couldn't get enough of each other when they no longer needed to hold back themselves. Now, almost two months after his death, Claire stood in her bathroom and looked at the pregnancy test tightly clenched in her hand. She looked stunned at a small piece of plastic with a period in weeks in her whitened palm and didnt know what to do. _So it was true._ She was pregnant. Her left hand unknowingly fell on her still flat stomach and pressed against him, as if trying to find physical evidence of what was happening.

Now she stood with Neil's last gift, the gift of a little life that was now growing in her. This was the last thing they created together. _Neil._ She had long known that he wanted a family and his own children. But this chance was taken from him .. from them. And that was _her_ fault. Evil tears were already rolling down her tired face, she no longer had the strength to stop them. Her breathing became intermittent and a moan akin to whining broke from her tight lips. She was to blame for everything. Claire's legs give up, biting her lips, she collapsed onto the bathroom rug.

Claire let her emotions swallow her. Pain, anger, despair and the biggest of them was hate for herself. Hot tears blocked her vision, her breathing became broken and heavy, she continued to bite her lips holding back the bestial moans that continued to burst from her mouth. It was _she_ who killed him. Her recklessness when she shifted her responsibility to Melendez's shoulders and humbly accepted his refusal of full physical examination in the destroyed brewery building.

If he hadn’t loaded his weakened body like that when he operated in the field in an uncomfortable position. Then priceless time wasn't wasted for him. What if she insisted and examined him on the spot, she could have seen signs of internal bleeding earlier and delivered Melendez to the hospital on time. The first operation would be successful and now he would be here. With her. 

Perhaps he would now be standing behind this very door, nervously pacing her bedroom, running his hand through his dark hair, waiting for her to finally leaves this bathroom. Claire knew that he would be on the verge of panic like she right now, but Neil would be extremely happy and thrilled to hear the news that he would soon become a father. Melendez would quickly went to her and pull Claire to himself, firmly clutching the stunned women to his chest. Neil would go crazy after hearing this unexpected but joyful news from her. _Everything will be fine, Claire_. Neil would tell her without opening his arms around her. Together they would come up with a plan. 

But Claire wasn't sure that she ready to become a mother. She just didn't know how to be good one. Claire fists wiped her tear-stained eyes with fury. She never knew maternal care and didn't know if she would be enough, because now this child has only one parent left. She needed Neil. His self-inspiring look and his love. Claire still couldn't believe that this amazing man loved her. Even such a short time. She needed him like air.

She had about four months left until the end of her resident program and she was still not sure that she could remain in the medical staff of St. Bonaventure hospital after end of program. Her future was obscure and hopeless. There was another option, but even to consider it would be a betrayal of Neil's memory. She couldn't end any life, especially the life of Neil's unborn child. _Our child_. When the stream of tears became smaller and Claire's sobs turned into hiccups, she carefully rose, opened the tap and took a couple of sips of water. Hiccup began to recede from her.

Claire washed her face with cold water, letting water run down her skin. She put her hands on the bathroom sink and looked at herself in the mirror. For the first time in a long time. What she saw was terrible, but didn't surprise her. Her face haggled, deep bruises from lack of sleep lay under her sunken eyes. The eyes themselves were empty and lifeless. Her hair was faded, her skin was a grayish tint from the lack of stay in the fresh air, her constant stress and starvation. She no longer remembered when she was just at the non-hospital walls and was eating right. She stopped watching herself. She was like the living dead. She knew that he wouldn't like it. _But you aren't there to catch me again_. Flashed into Claire's mind. Now she was on her own with a burden of responsibility for they unborn child.

According to her short calculations, she had less than seven months left to put her life in order and prepare for the birth of a child. In truth, she had long begun to feel the changes in her own body. But Claire thought that fatigue and weakness was connected only with her emotional composure and hard working. She lost a lot of her body weight. Her period is gone. What wasn't surprising in these circumstances. Like her appetite disappeared. Not only for food, but for life itself. Claire didn’t return to her old habits as after her mother’s death. Just thinking about going to a bar and taking a guy for the night to forget herself, seemed to her like a betrayal of what she and Neil had. That stage in her life actually began their friendship. 

Then Claire decided to completely go in work. Now she was fixed as a resident of Dr Lim. The feeling of awkwardness that accompanied her relationship with the senior surgeon was faded into the background and they began to work shoulder to shoulder, trying not to look back at the past. So they did in the hospital.

Lim get her out for a drink in the bar after work, seeing what Neil's loss does to Claire, she tried to cheer up a young talented member of her team. Claire was never close with Dr. Lim, Audrey's failed relationship with Neil didn't help them to get closer. But the care shown by the senior surgeon squeezed Claire's heart. Young resident knew that Lim played an important role in Melendez’s life and that she, too, mourned his loss. Usually their meeting lasted one or two glasses of diluted bourbon and discussion of the prognosis of they last patients, till each of them went into their own thoughts and said goodbye, returned to their transports.

One such evening, after a particularly difficult shift in the emergency room, when a teenage girl died on Browne's operating table from numerous injuries incompatible with life as a result of a mass accident, Lim once again offered to drink together and Claire agreed. 

Claire got a little drunk after her first portion of Bourbon on the empty stomach. She couldn't stand it and blurted out looking into her empty glass. “I love him.” _Not in the past tense, but in the present. Maybe forever._ Claire noted to herself.

"I know." Audrey answered.

Looking up from her glass, Claire stared at Lim. The face of the senior surgeon hasn't changed, didnt show a single drop of surprise or displeasure.

"He said he loves me," Claire didn't know why she decided to tell Lim about it. She didn't want to offend Audrey, knowing about her own feelings for Melendez. She just needed to say it out loud. "We were together. Briefly."

"I know," Lim repeated and put her hand on Claire's. The young woman looked fearfully at her immediate boss. Audrey just smiled sadly and squeezed her hand. "Neil wasn't good at hiding his feelings. Especially for you. I'm glad that he stopped being such a stubborn fool and finally told you."

Claire smiled sadly on this and brushed a lone tear from her cheek.

"Do you ... do you think it was my fault." Claire didn’t have to finish the sentence so that Lim would understand what her resident had in mind. Audrey breathed out noisily and the corners of her lips went down.

"I don’t think that what happened was someone else's fault other than Neil's," began Audrey, not taking her keen eyes from Claire. "You know how headstrong he was sometimes. If Marcus and I were there, then nothing would have changed, he would have also refused to take care of his own well-being and rushed to help others. He was just like that, Claire, we both know that it wasn't your fault. You took him to the hospital and run all the tests, you operated on him and told him the truth about his condition, you were with him until the very end. I thank you for that. I'm not sure I could have remained that day without your presence next to him. He felt your love and care. Claire, you gave him peace by being with him. Have faith in me."

Faith is another thing that Claire irrevocably lost with Neil's death. But she kept this thought to herself.

After that evening at the bar with Lim, Claire began to spend more time in the emergency room and take the most difficult cases, she did impossible with the most severely injuries and worked at the limit of human capabilities. The nursing staff walked on thin ice next to her, but immediately fulfilling all her orders, following the direct order of the head of surgery Dr Lim. Claire’s straightforwardness and temper could now be envied by Dr Morgan 'Bitch' Reznick herself.

Claire was missing another female resident in surgery. But she didn't forget that after that terrible night that cut off Neil's life, that also Morgan's career as a surgeon was cut short. Damage to her hands was irreparable, she will never be able to operate again. This night also took away the greatest love in Reznick's life - surgery. When Claire found strength that morning after the locker room on her way to the exit she went into Morgan’s room and leaned against a doorway. Claire told Morgan it's was over.

"Oh, Claire," Morgan jumped out of her hospital bed and put Claire in a tight hug, trying not to do more damage to her own hands.

Reznick wasn’t a fool. Ever before her false claim which she made in a panic attack due to her rheumatoid arthritis, she knew that between Dr Melendez and Claire there was an unbreakable connection, which perhaps they themselves didn't fully realize then. She was deeply worried about her colleague and perhaps the only real friend in her crappy life. Now there was no competition between them, they had nothing to share except the pain of loss that both womеn now bore in they souls. Morgan even suggested that Claire stayed with her for some time. She would be calmer if Claire will be under her watching eye. But Browne softly dismissed this invitation. Reznik didn't know the whole truth about the relationship of their former mentor and Claire, but suspected that their flirtation had crossed the Platonic line. That's why Morgan was hurt for her good friend. Claire now knew what it was to lose the most important person in her life. Morgan saw how Claire felt bad after losing her mother with whom they weren't even close then the pain almost killed her colleague.

Reznick believed that Claire’s return to her normal and more happy self was due to Melendez. For this reason, Morgan in breaks from her residency in oncology, tried to be next to Claire. Morgan tried to distract Claire from dark thoughts by telling her about her impressive practice, about all conflicts in resident team and about interesting cases. But all offers to get into the city on Mimosas or go shopping or take a simple walk were rejected by Claire.

Morgan wasn't alone in her timid attempts to take care of Browne. With the transfer from St Bonaventure hospital San Jose back to the Phoenix residency, Alex Park often wrote and called, although their conversations were empty and short, Claire knew that her older colleague was checking her this way and was ready to help. Park chose to be closer to his family and Claire respected his choice. 

She lacked familiar faces during endless days in the hospital, but she understood that the lives of other people were moving not depending on her. Shaun remained next to her, now he followed her on the heels most of his free time from OR in the hospital. Soon, Browne couldn't stand such a special attention to herself from her colleague and one day Claire shouted at Shaun in the hospital hallway.

"Shaun, stop it! I'm not your next science project. So please stop breathing in my back," Claire broke.

"I know. But you're my friend, Claire. When you hurt, friends should be around," Shaun answered calmly looking at her then turning around left Claire alone in an empty hallway.  
  
After that conflict, Shaun stopped following her around, they continued to work together in the operating room as if nothing had happened. But when the quiet doctor went home with Lea, Shaun always stopped to say goodbye and patted Claire's shoulder in his own manner. Showing Claire that he is nearby.

Shaun silently began to leave an apple or a sandwich on the table in front of her when she was busy with research or more often with her sad thoughts. Claire knew that she had lost weight, she noticed by her surgical scrubs. This fact certainly didn't go unnoticed by other doctors. Dr. Andrews drove her to the cafeteria more than once and ordered the nurses to make sure that she ate something. Claire realized that she needed calories to keep going. She was also afraid of her removal from surgery or a mandatory trip to therapy. That's why she obeyed and without feeling the taste she ate what was offered to her. But Claire couldn't bring herself to enjoy food or anything else.

*Flashback*

Neil methodically moved through the kitchen space, purring a melody that came from the speakers of his music system while he was cooking something. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up and his body was relaxed. Claire leaned on the countertop, staring at him.

"And how long are you going to stand there? Take a picture and get here already," said Neil, grinning but not looking up from the board, he continued to chop vegetables. Being caught by Neil, Claire took her place at the breakfast bar and she tried to steal a piece of tomato from him, but got a light slap in her palm from Neil. "None stealing in my kitchen. You are hungry?"

"Very much. How can I help you?" Claire asked closely following Neil's movements, they were as precise as in surgery.

“Nothing. This is my kingdom, and knowing about your cooking skills, I won’t let you into my kitchen. We don’t want our evening to end because of a fire,” Neil joked. He turned to open a bottle of red wine, pouring it into two glasses and holding one to Claire. "Sit down and relax, Claire, everything will be ready in 10 minutes. How was the end of your shift?"

"Well, but after you left, Morgan announced that her operation was scheduled for tomorrow. And I really don't know what to think about it," Claire exhaled loudly and took a sip of her wine.

"Claire, this is her choice, she isn't ready to say goodbye to her dream for now. I understand her. Just support her, even if you don’t think it was worth the risk," advised Neil. He shook the chopped vegetables in a large salad bowl and turned to check the dish on the stove. When he approached Claire again, Neil smiling took his glass and clinked their glasses together. "No more sad thoughts today, just good wine and food, Claire. Life is short, let's enjoy it!"

"Okay, no sad thoughts," Claire smiled back and leaned toward Neil said. "Now feed me."

*End Flashback*

Claire’s movements in the operating room were still accurate, her research left no doubt, she even wrote several small articles for scientific journals based on them. At the end of the day she used this as an excuse to stay in the residents’ lounge, then wait until the moment no one sees to slip into Melendez's office. His personal belongings had long been taken apart, but his name was still on the door. She took off her shoes and climbed up into his chair, trying to catch the elusive aroma of his spicy cologne. Only this smell gave her peace. Claire even thought to buy a brand of his cologne, but she realized that it would be completely wrong. 

*Flashback*

"Dr Browne, how can I help you?" Without rising from his desk, Neil greeted Claire who came into his office. She was already dressed in her casual clothes.

"I just went to say goodbye, Dr Melendez," Claire smiled at his politly and distant tone. She estimated the amount of work that lay in front of him on the desk. Neil was focused and collected as always, but Claire felt his tiredness. "Do you plan to stay here long?"

"I don’t think I need more than half an hour to put it all together," said Neil, rubbing his hands over his face. "Do you want me to grab something special on my way back?"

"Hmm, just yourself," Claire slowly walked around Melendez's desk and stood next to the sitting Neil, pretending that she was studying the report on his desk if someone walked past his office. "And maybe something Italian."

Neil turned in his chair and looked keenly at Claire.

"You and your love of pasta,” Neil replied, with a quick glance at the door, and when he was sure that the horizon was clear, Melendez pulled Claire by her hand so she fell right on his knees. "It's good that I know the best way with benefit burn all these calories."

"Neil! Someone can see us!" Claire squealed, although she was in no hurry to get to her feet and said with a sly smile. "And I'm not ready to go for a run today."

"Good one, but I have plans for something more pleasant ... And before you go," Neil brushed the hair off her face then laid his hands on both sides of her face and kissed her firmly and fast. Suddenly pulling away Melendez shook Claire from his lap and he nodded toward the door. "You better hurry and not distract me from my work anymore, Dr Browne. See you in an hour."

"How bossy," Claire answered dreamily, pleasantly surprised by their stolen goodbye kiss. She walked to the door with a smile.

*End Flashback*

She often fell asleep like that in his chair. Until Audrey or Marcus found her there and sent her home to take a real shower or for a normal rest. But when Claire came to her empty apartment and remained alone with herself, silence and pain seized her. Then she took her pillow and screamed into it. She could no longer pick up the guitar, then she took her running shoes and went out into the night streets of San Jose.

Claire ran along Neil's favorite paths, speeding her run until the cold wind began to burn the tear-sensitive skin on her face. She could have sworn that in these moments Neil ran alongside with her and asked Claire to keep up. Then she ran even harder until a burning pain in her right side forced her to stop and lose sight of his phantom. Claire slowly began to wander towards her apartment, constantly looking around, hoping to catch her eye on some object that could bring to life one more memory related to Neil.

*Flashback*

Claire returned to her home after talking with her therapist, still trying to take what she said in her office. _I think I'm in love with my boss._ Now it hung over her. Claire knew that won't fall asleep tonight, so she changed into her jogging outfit, stuck headphones in her ears and went to run.

Claire didn't know how she would look into Neil's eyes tomorrow. She no longer understood how to behave next to him. Claire had to work with him in close contact, but she wasn't sure that she could keep herself as before and hide her feelings for him. As soon as she said these words, they gained power over her. It was no longer the innocent sympathy for the boss by his first year resident. For a while, Claire like to think that she had outgrown it. Perhaps earlier there was a mutual attraction between them, but after their conflict and her departure from his team, Claire felt how Melendez was moving away from her. Then came quarantine, his relationship with Lim, her loss of mother and her severe depression. Claire stopped thinking about him more as her attending, until he again crept under her skin, sitting behind her on the cold steps of the hospital emergency stairs, squeezing her shoulder and being her anchor. He patiently waiting for her to cry all her tears. Giving Claire everything and not asking for anything in return. This Melendez began to spend all his free time in her company, coming up with new activities for them to distract her and soon became her friend. Claire valued their friendship and knew how fragile it could be, one stupid claim nearly destroyed it. After this fright, Claire began to respect their relationship even more. She knew their price. In the short months after the beginning of their friendship with Melendez, Claire let Neil enter her heart so deeply as no one had made his way through it for her whole life. And now she was afraid that one wrong step would push Neil away from her forever and she couldn't imagine her life without him. 

Claire turned and found herself on a familiar track. They often ran here together. Claire moved along the path until she saw a familiar figure moving toward her. Claire's heart pounded harder when Neil smiled dazzlingly upon seeing her.

"Hey! What are you doing here at such an hour, Claire?" Melendez asked as he pulling out his headphones and approached her.

"I can ask you the same question," Claire answered, turning around and continuing to run shoulder to shoulder with Neil.

"I couldn’t sleep so I decided to spend this time to good use," confessed Melendez, looking askance at Claire.

"Same," was Claire's short answer. She looked in front of her trying to keep up with Melendez.

"I mean, you talked about plans with Dash earlier. Is everything all right?" Melendez continued, he seemed unhappy with Browne's brief answer.

"Yes, we talked and said goodbye .. It turned out our paths lay in different directions," blurted Claire, trying not to look at the surprised man.

"I'm sorry, Claire," but there was no regret in Melendez's voice. It made Claire look at him. Neil's eyes became focused and his hands clenched into fists. _Something isn't right._ Claire stopped immediately. Melendez noticed this and immediately hurried to her.

"Are you okay?" Asked Melendez as he looked out for Claire's visible injuries. Claire bit her lower lip and stared at Neil. _Here we go, you can't get yourself together for five minutes in his presence._ Melendez's eyes fell on Claire’s lips, he swallowed and before she could answer him anything, Neil's lips took hold of hers in hot searching kiss and their lips began to fight for domination.

*End Flashback*

Claire could no longer sleep alone in her cold bed. She was always cold, no matter how many layers of clothes she put on herself or under what blanket she lay. Claire lacked heat. _His heat._ Even an hour of nap came to her with difficulty. Then she took out her phone and turned on her voicemail. She listened to voice messages that he left her. Neil more preferred written messages, Claire always joked about his love for emojis. But it was those rare voice messages that warmed her. Claire laid her phone on the pillow next to her and listened to them one by one.

_"Browne, it's Melendez. I was thinking about your idea using a new hepatectomy technique on our patient. Nice try. Everything can work out at the end."_

_"Dr Browne, I think I owe you a run."_

_"Hey, Claire! Traffic is merciless today, but I drove into the Italian place that we like, I'll be at your place in 5."_

_"Claire, about last night .. I shouldn't have crossed that line, but it was stronger than me..."_

Most often, Claire listened to his last message that he left her half an hour before the earthquake.

 _"Well hello, adorable! I'm in place and I can’t stop thinking about the morning that we spent together. Not only about our activity, but about how after you lay on my chest, absolutely relaxed under the rays of the morning sun. About the softness of your hair and the taste of your lips.. *sigh* You're driving me crazy, Claire! I’ll try to stay here politely long and then I'll pick you up at the hospital and we can have dinner at my place and maybe more. See you soon!"_

She closed her eyes, clutching the phone to her cheek until she finally fell asleep, lulled by the warm of Neil's voice and memories of that morning.

*Flashback*

"You watched me sleep again. It's creepy, Dr Melendez," Claire purred into his strong bare chest, it shook with laughter.

"I can't help myself, Dr Browne, you're so cute when you sleep.. You know like you wrinkle your nose and snore sweetly," Melendez replied, then Claire ligthly slapped him on the chest.

"I don’t snore, mister!" Claire defended herself and started driving her fingers through his deer tattoo. "I can swear this tattoo has an interesting story "

"I prefer the Doctor, thank you! And yes, I promise to tell you about it after," Melendez answered with a sly smile, slowly began to pull the sheet from her body and cover her face with kisses.

"After?" Claire smiled lazily as Neil's hands already went down to her waist.

"Came here, silly girl" at these words, Neil sharply flipped their bodies over and again proving to her that he was a truly passionate lover.

*End Flashback*

Worst of all, it seemed to her that the whole hospital was aware of her relationship with Neil. At least the halls of the hospital were full of gossips.

"Julie, I tell you, Dr Browne and Dr Melendez have been screwing around since the first year of her residency. Why do you think Jessica broke off they engagement and left her hospital post?"

Claire heard this a month after his death, one evening when she walking past the nursing post. She was heading to the residents’ lounge and she planned to slip into Melendez's office later. The words of the nurse’s gossip - Carren, she recognized her voice, made her speed up. Claire didn’t want to hear the answer of another nurse and quickly opened several glass doors she went to _their_ balcony.

Claire put her hands on the railing then her body began to shake. She couldn't stop her breathing, it seems she had a panic attack. How could they say such things about their recently dead colleague. She didn’t care what they talked about her, yes, after meetings with Jared in the on call room and Dr Coyle harassments and a number of one night stands in her life, she deserved it. But not Neil. He was honest, faithful and loving. Melendez never inflicted such pain on his partner by having an affair with colleagues behind her back. Claire's eyes filled with tears, she bit her fist in an attempt to stop new panic wave until she felt a metallic taste in her mouth. Claire stayed on the balcony until her morning shift began.

From that day, Claire began to avoid nurse Carren and refused to work with her. This didn't go unnoticed by Dr Lim and soon the nurse was transferred to pediatrics. There was also Dr Glassman, whom she couldn't look into his eyes after how quickly he gave up on Neil. Claire tried not to meet him unnecessarily at hospital.

But Claire was more often met with sympathetic and understanding looks. At the hospital, everyone loved Claire and respected Melendez. Claire finally understood this, but it wasn't easier for her, the need to be closer to him was literally killing her.

*Flashback*

"One sugar-free coffee with almond milk, for the lady," the grinning Neil put a hot drink next to Claire on the countertop on which she sat waiting for her morning coffee and checked the mail from her phone, but more checked out Neil's sexy body covered only by boxers.

Melendez stood between Claire's legs and laid his hands on her hips. Claire's hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she had his shirt on, it was only fastened on the bottom buttons, it sleeves were rolled up and the top of the shirt was lowered, leaving her shoulders open. Neil kissed her naked shoulder and Claire gave him a happy smile. 

"By the way, I like the way you wear my shirts, it's the sexiest thing I've ever seen," purred Neil in her shoulder.

"I think you should check your memory, Neil, last night I received this compliment for my lingerie," Claire said playfully smiling, not forgetting to kiss his strong chin firmly.

"Ah, yeah .. this lace black set," Neil said dreamily, clutching his hands under Claire's shirt and scratched the delicate skin on Claire's neck with his teeth. "I think I need to refresh my memories." 

"Neil!" Claire cried out as he grabbed her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom.

*End Flashback*

She loved how his scratchy voice became softer when he spoke her name. And his eyes lit up at the sight of her and how he tirelessly followed her every movement. But most of all she loved when they were alone and could be themselves. She liked when Neil covered her makeup-free face with kisses, counting moles and freckles on her face. Even on their first night together, he knew her body by heart. But most of all she loved how he made her feel. Feel whole. _You're different. You're smart, special._ And he was special too. Not only for her.

After the funeral, Claire began to visit Gabby at the medical center. Neil's sister was delighted with her visits. Neil took care of the future fate and well-being of his younger sister. Claire loved these days. They gathered puzzles together or walked in the park at the center. Being with Gabby, Claire caught herself thinking that she was really smiling. It wasn't a plastic smile that she demonstrated to her patients or a curt smile for the medical staff at hospital. It was a real smile. Gabby looked so much like Neil that Claire seemed like she was smiling at him. These were wonderful minutes until Gabby started asking when Neil would come and if her parents would come with him. From this Claire’s heart was breaking over and over again. For yourself and this lonely girl who will never grow up.

*Flashback*

They lay on the couch in his living room and watched a movie, most of which they missed making out like teenagers. Now while Neil's hands were doing magic with her hair, Claire lay on his chest, her new favorite place. She was so relaxed and lulled by the beating of his heart that she almost missed his next words. 

"I always wanted this," said Neil, when Claire raised her eyes to look at him, he nodded toward the big screen. "A big happy family."

"I know, me too," Claire snuggled closer to Neil, again afraid to drown in solitude, which had accompanied her whole life. Neil pressed her even harder to himself and kissed Claire on the top of her head. "Maybe one day we'll get what we want."

"I hope so," answered Neil, taking a sigh he continued. "Before the incident with Gabby, there was love and understanding in our house. But after .. Maybe I just want to return that time? Happy times filled with laughter and carelessness. Is it so bad to want to have children to give them everything that I didn't have?"

"You already know my answer," Claire smiled, remembering that evening when they were trying to find a solution for the Kunkler twins. When Neil's question came from nowhere. _You want kids?_ Claire remembered well her surprise and the warmth that appeared in her which she didn't understand at that moment and her own answer. _Finding someone you can't imagine a life without, it's ... hard. I know it's a cliche, but it's true._ And it seems she found him. "Someday."

Neil smiled when he looked at Claire in a new way and continued to stroke her hair. Maybe that evening, being in each other's arms, they didn't say it directly. But they both knew that when they were ready to start a family, it would be with each other.

*End Flashback*

This lasted two months until Claire passed out in the emergency room in front of the frightened Dr Lim and after short examination she was sent home. Claire decided to take a pregnancy test and now standing in her bathroom, she imagined what their child might be like. Will it be a boy or a girl. Will it be healthy. Will it have her chocolate curls or his father’s straight black hair. Dark or green eyes. Caramel or darker skin. With each new guess, her heart began to beat harder, and her body began to fill with warmth. It was love. Unlimited, all-consuming maternal love. She already loved this child before ever she met him.

After the news of her pregnancy spread across the hospital, hours in the operating room were shortened for Claire. Lim ordered a soft work schedule for Claire and all her colleagues made sure that she didn't overload herself. Morgan accompanied her to every ultrasound and she was always there for her, already trying on a new role as a caring aunt. Shaun watched Claire take a ten minute break every hour and monitor her diet. The first months of pregnancy, not yet knowing about it, Claire lived at work and often moved on caffeine alone. That is why her blood pressure and low body weight caused the most concern among doctors. Her gynecologist even suggested that Claire seriously think about hospitalization in the neonatal ward. But with the start of taking the prenatal complex of vitamins, replenishing the lost fluid and trace elements with droppers and with the beginning of a balanced nutrition, Claire’s condition began to quietly return to normal. Also she began to visit her therapist again. She could no longer spend so much time on her feet as before, so it was decided that Claire would now concentrate on introducing new residents even before her promotion and studying scientific research for the period of her pregnancy. Claire was given her own office. She took over Melendez's old one.

Four months after Claire found out about her pregnancy, she completed her residency program and she was promoted to chief resident and started training as a cardiothoracic surgery. She told Neil about this when she came to visit his grave for the first time after his funeral, leaving a fresh ultrasound image on his tombstone. One of the first pictures of their son. Three months later, she held in her arms Gabrielle Neil Browne, weighing 3.6 kg, he had a strong chin and dark eyes of his father. Now she had something to live for, holding in her hands a proof of their love. Neil taught her a lot about how to be a good surgeon and friend, he taught her to love and believe. Claire knew that many years would pass, her hair would turn gray and she would have a chance to hold their grandchildren in her arms, as she now held their son, but in the end they would meet and never part again. Young again, they will run shoulder to shoulder along familiar paths, laughing, now having all the time in the world, they will repeat over and over again...

_I love you  
I love you too_

**Author's Note:**

> Let's play in Sherlock, Melendaire shippers! We know what Nicholas Gonzalez said in a recent interview: _"There were so many little deleted scenes. The storylines are all there, but the little scenes that we're missing really changed dynamic. There were a lot of scenes with Anthonia Thomas ... - these different kinds of moments watching people fall in love.. Those were on the cutting room floor because we don't have time for those."_ I would give everything to see these deleted scenes! Perhaps they will be shown to us as flashbacks in the upcoming season. We also know that a week passed between the events of ep.18 and ep.19. At the beginning of ep.19, Lea told Melendez that a week had passed since their quarrel with Shaun! A whole week has passed after Claire’s fateful words "I think I'm in love with my boss" and maybe *cross my fingers* Melendaire still happened behind the scenes.  
> There was still a moment when Claire tried to exam Melendez, he lifted his shirt up and showed his abs, Neil joked something about 'a week-long break from working on the oblique muscles of his abdomen'. It really sounded with a certain context. Also in farewell scene Claire joked about Neil's tattoo. But where and when she could see it, because Melendez certainly didn't run with naked torso in show. Yep, what a pity, I would love to see it. And the fact that Neil didn't let Claire talk about feelings until the very end broke my heart 💔 Because in this scene, Melendez’s eyes were scared and his _"Don’t”_ sounded like “Don’t give up on me.” He wanted to talk about his feelings on his own terms, but we know how things turned out. Maybe Melendez was taken out of the show so that his relationship with Claire wouldn't distract the audience from Shaun and Lea. I really dont know.  
> So writing Melendaire storys became a kind of therapy for me after the crushing ending of the third season of my favorite show. I’m not completely sure if I want to see such a plot in Claire’s life, but I'm open to it and now you understand what has been going on in my heart for the past weeks. Leave your comments and kudos if you like my story! See you soon! 🙋🏻
> 
>  **Playlist:**  
>  Lost without you by Freya Ridings  
> Emerald eyes by Anson Seabra  
> It's all coming back to me by Graham Blvd  
> Dancing with your ghost by Sasha Sloan  
> Drowning by Chris Young  
> Wings by Birdy  
> When all said and done by Victoria Tolstoy feat. Benny Andersson  
> Breathe again by Sara Bareilles  
> There you'll be by Faith Hill  
> Say you won't let go by James Arthur


End file.
